Wrung

There is a pain involved with giving away some of Willem's possessions:  The pain is usually offset, somewhat, by the joy in the faces of the children receiving the item.  I was walking down our street with three pillow pets in my arms when three neighbor children yelled, "hi" to me from behind a fence.  I, on a whim, asked if they wanted a pillow pet -- they screamed in delight as they ran toward me; one saying that she's never had a pillow pet.  I asked only that they take good care of them.

The effect of of giving away that which is part of Willem, to those who are brought such great joy by the gift, is much like that of a soaked cloth being wrung dry; one effect nearly negates the other. Nearly.  

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt in reallocating Willem's possessions but I hope - I hope so very much - that Willem is somewhere, watching me, saying, "Nicely done daddy.  Nicely done."

HUMBLED

Humbled.  Truly, and, unequivocally, humbled.  These are the words I have for the Celebrating Willem fundraiser held on April 19, 2012.  There is much that need be said, and many that need be thanked. I do not wish to make light of the fact that money had been raised by saying that so much more than money was raised -- yet the fact remains that so much more was accomplished than just raising money.

I will have much more to say on this subject, perhaps, in future writings for much is happening; transformations are taking place; ideologies are changing; "...friends shaking hands..."

It is my understanding that there is much desire to know how much money was raised via the fundraiser, and I completely understand that it is because of the shear magnitude of the event -- I get that, and I would wish to know as well.

Well... The numbers are still being tallied, quite frankly, and the exact amount is not yet known.  I can tell you this, however, the number of people (I was told) that showed up was around 800 (600 adults and 200 children) -- it boggles the imagination.  It boggles my imagination.  I can also tell you this:  the goal was to raise $10,000.00 and the fundraiser far exceeded this amount; quite possibly tripled it. One donor agreed to match the amount made by the fundraiser up to $5,000.00.  It has been decided that this amount will be donated to P.O.R.T. and to Child Life Services -- Willem's favorite people at Helen DeVos Children's Hospital. There will also be a sizable sum donated to an HLH research foundation.

I feel it important to inform the reader that, apart from being the parents of Willem, neither I or Erin, were involved in the fundraiser -- we were kept out of the loop and had absolutely zero involvement in its planning or design.  Only now am I being brought up to speed.  What an amazing feat and what an amazing event.

So, on that note, I am still deliberating on whether it is prudent to divulge the exact numbers when they are given to me.

There will also be a separate post of much needed thank yous.

One Month Later

Willem passed away one month ago yesterday -- it still seems like yesterday.  I relive the sounds, the smells, and the visions over and over every single day.  The events conspire to lie on my chest and hold me horizontal to the bed.  I acquiesce.

It had been mentioned to me that I should post my words to the attendees during the ceremony -- for those that could not attend.  One month later, I am able to do this.  Here is what I said:

God give me strength.  


Willem Grey Radosevich is my son.  


I have been told that I am a great writer yet I have struggled to find the words to give this celebration all it deserves -- all that Willem deserves.  I can only say this thus far:  


I was supposed to be Willem's teacher; his guide; his mentor; his spiritual leader, and his hero.  I was supposed to be all of these things.  Instead, Willem became all of these things to me.  


Willem is a warrior and he is my hero.


The Radosevich family has a tradition:  My grandfather said it to my father before he went to Vietnam and my father said it to me before I was supposed to go to Afghanistan: We do not say 'goodbye;' we say 'see you later.'  


See you later son.  Mummy and daddy love you and we'll miss you so terribly much.


These were my words.  These words came to me fifteen minutes before the ceremony and my hands trembled and I cried as I wrote them.  It was difficult to see the words through my tears.

Willem's ceremony was the most beautiful ceremony I have ever had the privilege to witness.  It began with Willem's scout troop conducting a flag ceremony. My brother spoke to the attendees and posited this question, and I am paraphrasing here:

...What can we do for Thomas and Erin?... Here's the answer: They've received an enormous outpouring of support recently and I want to challenge you to bottle your urge to give all of it today; bottle it up, and instead of pouring it out all at once, pour it out over time.  Erin and Thomas will need you just as much in the weeks, months, and years ahead... 


Syd, "Ba," Willem's grandpa, gave an amazing account of Willem's life and expressed how wonderful Willem was (is): he was inquisitive, intense, intelligent, loved life...  Syd did an amazing job of summarizing the love Willem received from family and friends and the quality of life that Willem was able to give all of us during his too too short time on this planet.  Willem did more living in his ten years than most are able to do in a lifetime.

It was a beautiful celebration of Willem's life.  My favorite parts were the flag ceremony, the monument to Willem that had his Webelos hat and scarf (which made me cry intensely) next to a large photo of my smiling child, and the branch with all of the colored oregami that was made by the students of Meadow Brook Elementary.

I could not possibly capture the splendor of the event in words; one would really have to have been there.

No, it DOESN'T make any sense

"No... It doesn't make any sense.  It will never make any sense.  He was loved; he was special; everybody loved him... He was only ten.  It doesn't make any sense -- and it never will.  Period."

-- Erin Weston.  Willem's mother.  My wife.  My strength.

Lament for a Son

"If sympathy for the world's wounds is not enlarged by our anguish, if love for those around us is not expanded, if gratitude for what is good does not flame up, if insight is not deepened, if commitment to what is important is not strengthened, if aching for a new day is not intensified , if hope is weakened and faith diminished, if from the experience of death comes nothing good, then death has won.  Then death, be proud."                

                                                         -- Nicholas Wolterstorff (from Lament for a Son)

The pain is settling in

Liliana (Willem's six year old sister) is suffering this evening.  Many tears.  She was looking at the yearbook that was in her back pack and when she came to Willem's class photo, she began crying.  She just now said that she's going to hold on to his blankie until she's very old.

Wyatt wants to visit the hospital.  When I asked him why, he said, "I want to see Willem's room."  He made himself cry... If you know Wyatt, you would know that this is somewhat of a milestone.

Many tears for all of us today.  So hard.  So painful.

DAWN

I miss my boy.  And I miss writing in this blog about my boy.  The sun still rises and sets as it has done so for nearly five billion years.  But I don't care.  At one time in my life I wanted to live forever. Now I do not.

***************************

THANK YOUs

***************************

The gravity on planet Earth has increased so much - for some reason - that it takes every muscle fiber of my being to get out of bed... Yet I have (with the help of Erin) managed, finally, to open most of the cards we've received.  I have managed to open every email.  I cannot, however, manage to thank each and every one of you as much as you deserve.

Thank you everyone who came by to the viewing and to the service.  Thank you all.  I am left with empty feelings for those of whom I wished to hold longer and whom I wished to speak more.  Thank you all.  Your faces and your presence brought me much strength and joy.

Thank you to my teammates and the managers from my work who made the trip to see us: it meant a great deal to me to see your faces and to know that you were there.  Thank you... Thank you.

Thank you to the faces from my past who closed the time and distance gap to re enter our lives.  Thank you.  I hope you know who you are.

Thank you to the many donors to Willem's cause.  Thank you to the ones I've never met and thank you to the ones I haven't seen since 1986.  Thank you all.

Thank you to ones who have fed us when all of our strength and will to prepare food had vanished.

Thank you to all the students, staff, mothers and fathers of Meadow Brook Elementary for everything that you have done and are still doing.

Thank you to that little girl in Willem's class that looked at me with such caring in her eyes and said, "Hi Thomas."  You made me cry but it was such a good cry.  What a wonderful little person you are.

Thank you to my Military family. Thank you.

Thank you to my friends -- I do not deserve any of you.  Thank you to Erin's friends  -- I do not deserve you either.  Love you all.

Thank you father.

Thank you to the friends and acquaintances of Syd and Mary Baxter who deserve more thanks than I (we) are able to give.  Thank you so much for your condolences and contributions.   

Thank you nurses and doctors.  Thank you 9th floor.  Thank you Hospice.  Thank you Reese.  Thank you to infinity.

Thank you to my family.  Thank you cousins.  Thank you aunts and uncles.

Syd...  Syd...  My teammate and my guide. Thank you.

And most of all.  Thank you Willem.  Thank you for being the great son that you are.  Thank you for giving me life where I had none.  Thank you for teaching me.  Thank you for being everything that I've always wanted to be.  I love you and miss you so much.

CELEBRATING WILLEM THURSDAY APRIL 19

First of all  the family and I would like to thank you all for the heartfelt incredible outpouring and sharing of Love and affection. It is very much appreciated and quite humbling. The sheer volume is incredible. Thank You!

I know Willem has been restored and is whole again- hair and infectious smile in tact. We all will be reunited and that brings at least some comfort.

CELEBRATING WILLEM-  THURSDAY 19TH 6:30-9:00  KEYSTONE CC 655 SPAULDING AVE (just south of Ada Dr.)   COME EARLY AS WE HAVE A LOT OF AUCTION ITEMS!!!

Desserts, chocolate fountain, cookies, coffee bar,  silent and live auction, photo booth, Fun for all and More! Free movie and popcorn for the kids with complimentary day care. (cookies too!)

Come Celebrate the all too short life of our little Hero. He loved people and loved to Do Things- SO, come and Do Things for and with Willem. We know he will be there in Spirit.