Becoming Friends With Dangerous Thoughts

Struggling to find positive images. Struggling.  Being overwhelmed of late by anger, by guilt, and the pain that comes with both drag me nearer to a "permanent solution."  I care less and less for the world around me.

No longer do I view those that have given up in the face of adversity as quitters for I have come to know unbearable pain.  The holidays have cut at me too deep -- sadness and despair stand close by to twist every smile and warp every brief moment of happiness into guilt.

My parents, too young and unprepared, in their lust and haste, created me too early, accidentally, alone, and without a sibling.  Shortly after, they left each other, and, in my mind, abandoned me too.  They didn't leave me to my own devices -- they just became absent. Delinquent. Deficient.

I wanted so badly to offset this neglect by creating a larger family; A close family. A family where husband and wife stayed together... A family where the oldest guided the younger.  My oldest, Willem, my clone... my better me... who had everything I didn't, died, and just about all of me with him.  My dear son.  My first-born.  I ache.  I ache so terribly, so immeasurably, and feel myself slipping deeper into the abyss where reason fades with the light and then dies.

A glass of water and a blend of leftover sleep and anxiety aids lay untouched and promising.  Few would understand.  Many would curse the cowardice of leaving behind a wife and children and at one point in my life I would have done the same.  But now I have lost, and now I understand the absence of reason, and the magnitude of loss.  Understand now how color, sound, and taste no longer captivate as they once had.  Understand now how wonder wains, and how nothing holds as much splendor anymore.  Understand now how absolutely pointless it all is...

I am now in a battle for my life: A battle I must fight every morning. Every day. Every evening.  A fight to find purpose every day.  To remember why I must keep fighting to live.  Tonight I don't want to but tomorrow I might want to live just a little longer and I try so hard to remember that there are good days.  I fear, however, that darkness is winning.