Joy

Happy Willem memory:

One of our first walks together...  A simple walk on the sidewalk, holding hands, he was at a walking age but not quite talking age, just walking, both of us quiet.  Willem broke the silence with some form of a baby-like "whoa" as he bent down to pick up and marvel at a decayed leaf in the sidewalk; my first memory of his love of nature.

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Someone very dear to me asked me this evening if I find any joy in my life (still).  At first I was a little surprised that this person didn't already know the answer and then I thought that maybe he did know and was simply trying to get me to reflect to make sure that I know.  He's tricky that way.

So... Yes... I do still find joy in my life - every day - and when the joy happens I attempt to store it for future use; for when the darkness comes.  When I fall to the bottom of the well, I always seem to fall with a little bit of Liliana's beautiful smile and a few of Wyatt's snuggles and reminders of Erin's strength; all of which conspire to form a way back -- a way out of the well.

There is, as should be expected, darkness and sadness all around me and I have failed to inform the reader that I still walk with light and tidbits of joy with me.  For example: Liliana and I played a little art game last night whereby I would draw a random object (in this instance, a circle) and would, then, hand the paper to Liliana to expand upon.  We took turns drawing objects and, without communication, turned our nothings into somethings -- somethings that became familiar. I made a rule that we had to have a pretzel rod in our mouths to draw.  Don't ask me why.  Random silliness I suppose.  This moment of joy will go in my pocket and I will use it whenever I need it.  I have a trailmix of joy in my pocket.

Yes... Yes I am sad, angry, depressed, disputatious, confrontational, and many other things, but I still find joy.  I still smile.  I still laugh.  My previous post is nothing more than the result of pressure, time, and a lack of proper maintenance causing a break and the resulting release.  It is me screaming at the bottom of the well, to the slippery walls, to the nothingness at the top of the well, screaming that I am still here and I am still in an immeasurable amount of pain and I want out of the well.

So rest assured that when I see your face I find joy.  Know this.  Your face brings me joy.  You ask me how I am doing and I tell you that I am "okay" and you know that I am not but your face, and the fact that you are there, the fact that you still bravely ask me how I am doing (because you care), brings me joy.  Dangerous thoughts linger but they are no threat -- they are just thoughts and they must be normal because I am normal.  And I hurt.  I am strong, reader, strong enough to endure this, and every setback (even the darkness), because I am fortunate to have many positive people and situations swimming very near to tell me that it's going to be okay.