Willem -- only days before he was stricken with HLH -- leisurely walking, straw in mouth, not a care in the world. A healthy 9 year old boy.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
HEARING HIM
Above the dialogue on the television and the soft hum of my laptop I heard Willem call out, as if in the distance - and more like a question than a statement -- "Hello?" It was his voice. So much so that I replied to him... "Hello?"
Never before in my life have I ever wanted so badly to hear a voice emanate from somewhere other than what we are programmed to understand. I answered back with a hope beyond measurement; beyond expression... A longing... Such a longing.
After turning off the television, and over the hum of my laptop, I heard the unfortunate reality of the ethereal hello: it was only my stomach. The mundane physical reality of hunger. So earthly. So disappointing. So real.
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Very disappointing. Very real. Sometimes acknowledging your pain and making sure you know how OK it is to feel what you're feeling, that's all I have a desire to say. Other words can feel empty and insignificant, so I just want to you to know you're loved.
ReplyDeleteWalking in the dark hallway early one morning, I heard,"Momma." I turned and quietly answered, "Yes?" I was right in front of her still empty bedroom. It wasn't my stomach and it wasn't one of my other two sleeping children. It was her. She was the only one who called me momma, and while she was sick, me called to me a lot. I had made her promise me she would send me a sign. Just days before she died, I made her promise me. I get little signs everyday that she is with me, that she is a part of me.
ReplyDeleteThe numbness that enveloped me while she was so sick and, then, when she died, is receding, and the pain and guilt washes over me at random times. It is all so unbelievable and crushingly real at the same time. This grief is not at all what I thought it would be. I am trying to make sure I don't waste any time I have with her brother and sister. I don't want to define their lives with this horrible, crappy thing that happened.
My girl died. She had leukemia, hlh, along with all the complications available. I miss her so much.