Willem the Keystone

Happy Willem Memory:

Around 2006, I imagine, Willem and I were walking through the woods of a nearby park. He was wearing my Desert Storm boonie cap and I was teaching him how to move tactically through the woods – identifying danger areas, how to signal to me that there were people and how many, how to crouch, when to move and when not to, etcetera.  Before long, we just explored and pretended to be deep into an unknown wilderness. He loved the woods. He was five.

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Our family dynamic is terribly fractured by the loss of Willem.  It’s as though Willem were a keystone in an arch, our arch; an arch that included mommy, daddy, Wyatt, Lili, and Em and Ba.  We have a broken arch that’s trying to hold up broken pieces of the rest of us and failing – we’re just crumbling and falling as the weight of the holidays crushes and as time steals resolve. 

Apart from the paper snowflakes that Lili and Wyatt made, our home is bereft of any Christmas decorations. Lili and Wyatt deserve decorations and to enjoy Christmas in all its splendor but it’s just not Christmas without Willem and I’m not entirely sure it ever will be again.  We tried to make a stocking for Willem last night but the project failed (the details of which are a tragedy in itself) and the ruined stocking was relegated to the trash.  Lili began the chorus of tears and Wyatt simply went numb, quiet, and left the room.  We are not sure whether to take it as a sign to stop – we’re just not sure what to do. We feel guilt in not having some physical representation of Willem in our (celebration?) of the holiday. We’re just terribly empty and hurt.

My father brought over a book for me to read: Taming the Tiger Within: Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions.  I must give my father some credit: He knows I am angry but he remains calm, in the periphery, and keeps trying.

***** THANK YOUs *****

Thank you to my brother Michael who continues to hold me up and shield me with his intellect and much needed wisdom when those who would oppose me sling their arrows.

Tim and Sheila.  Thank you for your generous gift.

Thank you to those that are still reading and caring.