Biopsy Results

Willem had biopsies done on both sides of his brain yesterday afternoon -- it was done to confirm the findings of the MRI and to assist us in the decision we must make very soon.  I hope that I do not have to explain what I mean by decision.  The neurologist said that there was a lot of necrotic tissue on the right side of the brain and found more on the left.  Had the disease not attacked the left, there was still some hope.

Willem's head is partially shaved.  We were handed a vile of the hair that they cut off.  It was a horrible feeling.  We still have the hair from his first haircut.

"Unrelenting pain and anguish unlike anything ever felt before."  Syd said this last night and the words look like they should describe the feelings we are having but they are still inadequate. There are no words.  We are in a tormenting fog that is so unbelievably painful.  Guilt for not having done the things that Willem wanted to do; guilt for the times we've gotten angry; torturing ourselves with all that Willem was to become... I wrote a letter once, at the request of his school a few years back, for Willem to read on the day of his high school graduation.  I cried while writing that letter but in it I told him how proud we are of him for becoming the man we knew he had become.  There was no doubt in our minds how well he was going to do personally and academically. The letter sits in a sealed box in the basement and it torments me -- I've not seen it since I wrote it yet I know it's there.

Liliana has a fever and Wyatt wants lunch.  Erin is at the hospital and I am at home with the children.